Teaching Blog: The Potency and Art of Feminine Communication
Before I talk about Feminine Communication, I want to discuss a bit about what femininity is and why a feminine woman would want to engage in feminine communication.
Feminine communication is a communication style that deeply nourishes and fuels women, specifically, feminine women. If you identify as being a feminine woman, this way of communication is essential for feeling good. One of the problems in the western world is that we are not taught the true importance of this type of communication. I feel this is because there is a lot of distortion around femininity.
One may call it civil, however man and woman are both capable of civil conversation. Feminine communication is different and distinct. The reason why is because of its focus.
It all boils down to nourishment.
Feminine communication is not so much about what you are doing for other people. Its true focus is on what it gives to you when you communicate by focusing on nourishment. The conversation ends up feeding and fueling you.
I think this is important to talk about, primarily because many people in the Western world come down hard on femininity as if it makes a woman weak, a door mat, and constantly giving to others through her own depletion. True feminine embodiment could not be further from the truth.
Feminine embodiment actually creates a symbiosis between all beings. A woman fully embodied in the feminine qualities is happy in herself and is therefore able to give from her overflow. She gives as much as she receives. She is not living from depletion, and so she does not engage from depletion. Everything she does engage in fuels and nourishes her rather than the other way around. She is empowered and takes responsibility for her energy and what she is bringing to the conversation. She is not a victim to others and does not take what other’s say personally because she knows her inherent value and sense of Self.
She knows how to flow with a conversation instead of trying to control it. In doing so, she can actually guide and direct the conversation simply by her presence and ability to bend and flow, which helps others mirror/be receptive to what she is transmitting and being.
What Feminine Communication is Not:
Feminine communication is not about giving from depletion or being a door mat. It is not about abandoning authenticity or your voice and position. It is most especially not about being perfect.
What Feminine Communication is:
You know you engage in feminine communication when you, as a feminine woman, walk away from a conversation feeling amazing. There is no tension, there’s very little awkwardness (it was okay if there is or was, but there was no judgement for it), and it seems like you entered into a magical flow of words and non-verbal communication that transferred and permeated joy into you and the other person. It fed you.
It is about communicating in a way that deeply fuels and nourishes a woman, and by extension, other’s around her. It is about practice and devotion to the expansion and intention of experiencing it for the sake of joy.
Feminine Communication is About Understanding that We Are Relational
In order for a woman to have nourishing conversation, she needs to keep in mind that women—humans—are relational. We are relational beings and our happiness, our fulfillment is usually measured by how fulfilling our relationships are and how they are fueling us.
Danielle Laporte has said “Your success will be determined by the quality of your relationships with people.” This is for more than one reason.
For one thing, relationships are a mirror for our inner world. They reflect back to us what is going on within our being. They will help us to be honest with ourselves about where we are within ourselves. If we are reacting, it means there is something within us creating reactivity over receptivity and response. Secondly, we are not made to be alone. If we were, we would all live on our own planet with just ourselves, but this is not the case.
The truth is that all humans are relational. We can look at nature for evidence of this; we are primates, and when you observe primates in the wild they are very communal, and their survival and WELL BEING is based on the way they relate and interact with one another. If one is ostracized from the group, it is likely they will not survive BECAUSE they will not thrive. Humans are precisely the same. When we are ostracized and isolated from deep connection, we stop thriving. When we stop thriving, our chances of survival drastically decrease. Our immune system is not as effective, and we are more likely to suffer from addiction. One Harvard study showed “that our relationships and how happy we are in our relationships has a powerful influence on our health.”
We have a deep inner need to be a part of a tribe, to be relating to others, and to be connected to one another. Melinda Gates has said that “Deep human connection is…the purpose and the result of a meaningful life-and it will inspire the most amazing acts of love, generosity, and humanity”, and I could not agree more with her in this regard. We do in fact need one another. We really do.
Women will feel successful when our relationships are successful. This includes relationships with our families, friends, communities, beaus, and life partners.
Successful Feminine Communication is About Relating and Nourishment
Look at communication as a way of relating. We are relating. That’s what we are doing when we communicate. Your chances of successful relating will increase if you focus on nourishment in communication.
Ask yourself are you taking energy from or giving energy to? Are you absorbing negativity and allowing it to inform on you or are you able to receive the other person’s projection while still maintaining your awareness and connection to Self? Is your presence and being-ness medicinal or toxic? Are you falling into judgment and expressing disapproval? Acceptance is the most powerful medicine and point of nourishment, and it comes from presence and connection to Self. In order for communication to be nourishing, it must first focus on presence, for presence is the very source of nourishment.
Feminine Aspects to Embody in Nourishing Conversation:
Service—Feminine communication is about serving, not helping, not existing in a space of superiority, but serving those you communicate with.
Enrichment—the feminine is abundant and wise. Feminine conversation will enrichen you and bring greater depth and awareness.
Nourishment—feminine communication nourishes and feeds, it does not deplete.
Inspiring—you are the muse and your conversation has the power to inspire others.
Insightful—the feminine is a fountain of wisdom and she communicates through insight over intellect. Again, its about adding depth and perceptivity to the conversation, not dumping information into others like a google search or encyclopedia.
Beauty—non-physical and physical beauty, talking about and appreciating all that is beautiful. What do you find beautiful? Keep in mind speaking about beauty is a good way to avoid speaking negatively about others. Always look for the beauty in everybody.
Affectionate, graceful, and charming—grace is forgiveness and absolute acceptance, charm is your authentic unique expression, and affection is joyful and expressive love for the other’s company and presence.
Elevates—imbues a sense of nobility and regalness. Is the communication of Queens.
Receptive—you are able to receive with grace and ease the other person’s expression. You are not armored, defensive, or attacking.
Responsive—your sensitivity and connection to heart and feelings allows you to be responsive, awake, and approachable.
Compassionate—you are listening and holding space for the other. When in listening mode, you only give advice when it is asked for.
Vulnerable—you share yourself—your feelings, emotions, and heart—openly in a space of trust and surrender.
Presence-full and aware—eye contact and consensual touch. Do no harm. Your presence is healing and is the medicine. Think about the Hippocratic Oath of doctors to do no harm. In the sacred text is says that a joyful heart is good medicine and a broken spirit dries up the bones.
These qualities can help you to engage in conversation from a refreshing and inviting space. It will create warmth and joy and will lead to nourishing all those involved.
Remember: Most communication is not transferred by what is said, but by body language and being. What is your body language communicating? Be aware of your posture, how you are holding yourself (are you guarded with arms crossed or are you relaxed with arms resting?), and your facial expressions.
Tips for Communicating with Men:
Remember, women speak much more frequently than men and they talk faster and with less pause. This does not mean feminine speech and communication is better. Both are different and distinct and what men give and offer is just as valuable as what women give and offer. When you are speaking to a man, you can meet him halfway by slowing down your speech and waiting for his pause to land before interrupting him and speaking again. Listen and allow him to finish his thought. Slowing down allows him to fully take in what you are expressing.
Observe and be mindful of your tone. Feminine communication is about engaging in a soft and nourishing way. Especially if you are talking with a man, it’s important to be aware of a nagging tone. If you are on the other end, does it sound like a lecture from your mother? No one wants to be on the receiving end of that (consider that not even children do).
Tips For Online Communication:
Online communication is perhaps one of the most challenging because we are not able to pick up context and body language and most often people are very quick to respond in single or short sentences.
How to make it more personal? Slow down. Slowing down adds presence to the conversation and shows that you are taking the time to truly drop in and become present. Adding in flowery words and formality is a great way to engage and play with this. I like to drop into my body and ask spirit what message needs to come through for the other person. I allow my insight and inspiration to speak.
Add in greetings and salutations: Hello, how are you? Good Evening. Good Morning. Good afternoon. Thank you.
Many women like to add in emojis and hearts to add expression. I think this is wonderful and I am definitely a person who enjoys emojis and hearts. I want people to know as closely as possible my mood, and I find emojis are a good way to communicate how I feel. Hearts also help to show that I am speaking from my heart and from a loving, friendly space.
Be aware of tone and how your communication may be interpreted. Be certain to speak clearly, and when possible, provide context and clarity.
If you are involved in a debate or charged conversation, you can give your opinion, but watch out for dumping and venting/reactivity. Adding words of respect and showing respect to the other person keeps things civil.
Remember you can not control how others will show up, but often you can speak to the best in them and that usually brings out the best in them.
Be kind, loving and gentle and apply the above feminine attributes to the conversation and it will show.
What to do When You Encounter Abusive and Derogatory Language:
I like to give people the benefit of the doubt and offer a kind warning. I clearly state my boundaries and request they respect them. If the language and behavior continues, I immediately disengage and remove myself from the conversation.
If someone speaks down to you and is abusive or derogatory toward you, my rule is to disengage immediately and end communication permanently or until some sort of genuine peace is made. When you allow these type of people into your online and offline space, often you teach them how to treat you by what you are willing to endure and take from them. There is no need to become rude or belligerent in return. Be calm and stand your ground in a space of love and understanding, but be firm in your expressing your needs and decision. If need be, have a trusted partner with you and always keep your sense of safety and well being a number one priority.
By drawing lines and creating safe and healthy boundaries, you can create a safe and stable space for yourself and others in your space. But generally I find as long as I am following these guidelines, I rarely receive this type of treatment, if at all.
I hope this communication mini-class serves you well.
In Love, Service, and Remembrance of Self,